In the hearh of our family's dialy hustle, amidst the clatter of the pots, the hum of the washing machine, and the cat-frightening vacuum cleaner, my wife and I have found a formula to split our household chores. We managed to navigate the seemingly chaotic and culturally engrained rules of domestic duties, transforming it into a symphony of coordinated effort and mutual support.

Our method is not bourne out of randomness, it is also not a result of a sofisticated series of coin tosses, nor it is a hand-me-down recepie that we took from our parents. Instead, our approach is a plan based on mutual respect, clear communication and a firm shared beleif in a fair and equtable division of labor. We understand that in order for our home to function smoothly, for our family unit to thrive, we must play our role in everyday operations of maintaining and improving the household.

We don't yet have children or a sick family member, so our workload is relatively low. However, we strongly resonate with Sun Tzu's "In peace prepare for war, in war prepare for peace". This quote essentially says that preparation and strategy during the easy times is essential to avoid the ruin of harder times.

Our system has also been been influenced by a couple of scientific works. I've found myself digging into sociological and psychological studies, which opened up a whole new perspective on how the distribution of paid and unpaid labor influences the wider society. Despite the techicality of the subject matter, the process was suprisingly enjoyable. Understanding the domestic labor division not only made us better and making our home clean, but is also brought us closer together.

Diving into the Data: The studies that influenced me

The division of housework has been a topic of considerable interest in sociology and psychology research, as well as in gender studies. The research has explored various aspects such as fairness, relationship satisfaction and frequency, divorce rates and the impact of cultural, social, and economic changes.

The first study that I would like to mention is: Men's unpaid work and divorce, form 2010 Britain, which explores how men's contribution to housework affects maritial stability. Economist and sociologist have spent a good deal of time examining and trying to explain the association between rising female employement in the second hald of the 20th century and divorce. The study looks at a set of self-reported data of around 6300 families living in Britain and tries to find correlation between divorce rates and the distribution of paid and unpaid labor between partners.

The research found that there is a difference in patterns expressed between couples married before and after 1975.

For couples married before 1975, marriages were more stable were the wife did more than 65% of the housework, suggesting that a traditional division of labor is expected for these couples.

For couples married after 1975, whether the wife was employed or full-time or part-time was not a significant predictors of divorce. What did matter was if the husband was employed full-time and whether he contributed to household chores. The risk of divorce jumped from 2.5% to 3.3% if the husband was not employed full-time.

In contemporary couples, there is a high expectation of equitable division of paid and unpaid labor to maintain marital stability. Any major shifts of total income or contribution to the household chores is associated with decreased marital stability. Changes in the income, both significant increases or decreases, are associated with less maritial stability.

Contemporaty couples and their maritial happiness is deeper explored in The Gendered Division of Housework and Couples’ Sexual Relationships which looks at self-reported data of American couples from 2015. While there is no significant difference in sexual satisfaction and frequency betwen conventional and egalitarian couples, there is a significant difference between the longetivity of their marriage.

The study expores how over the past several decades preferences for gendered division of label have changed and there is high desire to share both paid work and domestic responsibilities. Contemporary couples who share labor report higher levels of emotional closeness and higher capability and readiness for open and clear communication.

However, some sexual scripts remain rooted in the past. Couples where the man is unemployed or working part-time report high levels of maritial instability and low sexual satisfaction and frequency. Couples where the women is not contributing to household chores also report low sexual satisfaction and decreased sexual freuquency. When the roles are reversed such effects are not noticable. The data suggest that contemporary couples are not willing to completly switch the script where the women is the sole bread winner, and the male performs the majority of the household work.

The data also suggests that married couples who remained longer in unmarried status but lived together for extended period of time, report higher levels of equitable division of paid and unpaid labor.

Division of unpaid labor in our marriage

Dividing labor can be executed in several forms, ranging from complete collaboration where the married couple performs their duties simultaniously working on the same task at the same time, to complete delegation where we distribute the labor equally but perform them at separate occasions and in different rhythsm of execution.

Neither extremes, complete collaboration or complete delegation, worked great for us, and we gradually built out an approach that takes different approaches based on the task at hand. For example, bying groceries is natuarally more enjoyable if we do it together, while cleaning the toilet or vaccuming the house is a task that is better executed individually in a delegated fashion.

When it comes to division of types of labor and rotation of duties, we also have our approach based on our personal preferences and limits. For example, I have a dust alergy which makes vacuuming difficult for me, while Daniela is not so good with handling fecal mater such as collecting cat poop or cleaning the toilet. These tasks are fixed and repeated by the same person. On the flip side, cooking is a type of task that is naturall for daily or weekly rotataion.

Our current schedule and division of labor

Our current approach of labor division is a good example how you can mix and match various approches and various schedules.

When it comes to fixed duties that are always performed by the same person:

• Daniela is taking care of washing, ironing, vacuuming, cleaning the floor, feeding and manicuring the cats
• While I'm taking care of the kitchen, bathrooms, toilets including ours and our cats', and taking care of the utility bills

We prefer a different rhythm for executing these. I like do it all at once, every Saturday in the morning, while Daniela likes to do it part-by-part over the weekend.

When it comes to rotating duties, such are cooking, dishwashing, taking out the garbage, cleaning the cat litter, we rotate daily.

Handling conflict and criticism

Handling conflict and criticism is an integral part of our journey towards achieving a fair division of household labor. We acknowledge that disagreements and misunderstandings are inevitable, but we view these instances as opportunities for growth and understanding, rather than as hurdles. When a conflict arises, the best way is to approach it with open minds and hearts, communicating our feelings and perspectives honestly yet respectfully.

Such conflicts can easily arrise from different expectations about the rhythm of work, or the result of the work being done. For example, taste of the food, or the cleanliness of the cleaned apartment. These conflicts are normal and a good reminder that even though you are married as a couple, you still retain your individuality and person taste.

A household without any conflict is probably unnatural, and is a good sign that one of the partners is silently ignoring the problems and following the whims of the other. It is a dangerous recepie because such accumulation of negative energy can destabilize a marriage, and by leaving it untreated for a long period of time can result in insurmountable anger.

Welcome conflict with an open heart, but never compromise on your personal wellbeign or confidence.

Reflections and Looking Ahead: The Road to Domestic Bliss

Navigating the terrain of domestic duties has deepened our partnership, as we've learned not just to work, but also to grow together. Each day, each chore has become a testament to our mutual commitment, and every accomplished task, a shared victory. The process, once perceived as mundane and monotonous, has now become a source of joy, strength, and connection.

Looking ahead, our journey is far from over. There are undoubtedly more strategies to explore, more improvements to make, and more lessons to learn. We intend to continue refining our approach, learning from each other, and embracing the challenges that come our way.

For those of you considering the division of unpaid labor can benefit your marriage, remember: it's not just about creating a cleaner home, but a happier, harmonious one. Embrace the opportunity to transform your everyday tasks into meaningful shared experiences. Because at the end of the day, it's these small moments, the unspoken understandings, and the shared laughter that truly make a house a home.

Stay tuned,
Daniela and Igor